I was sitting around... pondering what I was going to write this time, and I realized that there was one thing on my mind that was really bothering me. What is it you ask? Well, that is not easily answered even though I may have eluded to the fact that it would be. Basically what is bothering me is everything.

Everything seems so screwed up right now. You name it... and I bet it is fucked up, at least in my life it is. School? I'm doing okay... but not as good as I should be. Friends? Lacking true friends... and the ones that I thought were friends wouldn't be there if I actually needed them for something. Family? Well, that is a long story... but trust me... it is a little screwed up as well. What about love? Well, that seems non-existent. I have yet to find someone, that is not already with someone else, that would like to be in a relationship. That is, as an understatement, depressing.

Okay, now that you read those mundane paragraphs... you are probably wondering where I am going with this? Am I merely going to reiterate all the wonderful and exciting shit that is going on in my life? For my sake, I hope not. So, what am I going to do with this? Well... let's see.

I look back on the past few days and it depresses me. I mean... what did I actually get out of the past few days that was useful to me... or that at least made me happy? Sadly, I can not think of a single aspect that fits those requirements. Bluntly stated... my life sucks. Is there something more to life than just what you get out of it? Well, that is an interesting question but I don't think that will elicit a very easily stated response.

I think that the main reason why I am somewhat lackadaisical and have a feeling of malevolence towards my life is that I am dissatisfied with my choices and my opportunities. What can I do about it though? Can I change what is presented to me? Hmm... we'll see.

One thing that has always disturbed me is when people have a very negative approach towards their life. With that, I am talking about the people that have no self-esteem, a negative self-image, and an overall feeling that they are worthless. What drives people to that state? Well, I would state that it is caused by other people. What do I mean by that? Well, think about it for a second. If you don't think highly of yourself, what typically causes it? Either you did something that you are absolutely ashamed of... or you have been ignored, forgotten, disregarded, or straight-out mistreated (in some way) by other people. For example, people that are overweight tend to have a negative self-image and less self-esteem. Why is that? Well, going with my statement... they were mistreated, forgotten, or over-looked by people and thus came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with them. You see where I am coming from? The negative approach is "seemingly" caused by a secondary party... but does that hold true for most things? Let's see.

Another example, me. Do I have a negative approach to my life? As can be seen through my writings... yes, but only at times. Why is that? Well, my negative approach kicks in when I am feeling neglected or more easily stated... when I am lonely. How do I get to that state? Well, I get to that state somewhat through my own actions... but I think it stems more from a perceived response to my actions or behavior. I have been known to be a little annoying at times, but why is that? Well, I think it comes from the fact that when I am not getting any "attention"... I try to make myself get more attention and in doing that, it bothers people. So why can't I just sit back and let things happen as they are willed to happen? I can't do that for the same reason that none of you can. It is self-destructing to dwell in moments that are unpleasant.

What about the times that I am "happy"? What is the difference on those days? To that, all I can say is... maybe someone paid attention to me, or maybe I felt important or appreciated? Who knows... for sure, but something made me feel better about myself... my life. The same can be said about the prior case... so it seems true that other people influence or control your "happiness factor" or possibly better stated as your level of satisfaction with your current status and position in your life when compared to the rest of the world.

So again, where am I going with this? Well, this is addressed to the people that have a negative approach to their life. Don't. Why not? Well... because what other people think doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself. If you still don't think highly of yourself... then work to change what you don't like. If, even after changing what you didn't like, you still don't think highly of yourself... then there is only one thing left to do. Look in the mirror and say the opposite of whatever it is that you disliked... and believe it. Your positive image of yourself will help you do much better in life, not to mention that it will make you feel much better. What happens the next time you feel down? What about if, for instance, you ask someone out and they turn you down? Apply the same methods as before. In this case, tell yourself that they weren't worth it anyway... and move on. You're better than the person that dwells on that single moment and feels bad or whatever. Just remember, that was 1 second of your life... there are many more seconds to go. Live the time that you have left, don't sit and think about the time that has passed.

With that, I must go... to live the life that I have left and stop dwelling on the apparent fact that my life is not the best right now. Things will get better... if I let them. So, turn off your monitor and go live life... you can only do it once.