tonight was undoubtedly an emotional night. it was tonight, that tears rolled down my face. it was tonight, that my heart was touched. it was tonight, that things made sense. tonight, was the night that i watched the green mile.

i don't know where to begin. i don't know what to say, or how to say it. i just know, that i have to speak... know that i have to write what is on my mind. the one thing that makes sense now, the one thing that i know other than that i must speak, is that life is something that i won't quite look at in the same way ever again.

it sounds stupid that a movie made me realize how precious life is. it sounds weird that a story conjured up in someone mind, could slap me so hard in the face and then so gently lift me up from the ground. no matter how stupid or weird it may sound, it is the truth... and it is what i feel.

for those of you that don't know me, you won't know about the pains that i live with. you won't know about the heartache that i feel. for those that do know me, you won't understand the things that i haven't told you... the things that i leave unsaid. if you do, then everything that i am about to say... you already know.

it has been a long time since i have let out strong emotions. it has been a long time since i have let out pain. i have listened, i have spoken, and from my eyes... tears have been shed. this is nothing new, but nothing special either. the things that i have hid in my life, the things that i keep pent up inside... those are the emotions, the feelings, that i rarely let out. we all have things like that, we all have those hidden creatures... and in the end, eventually... we all let them out.

my life always has some light of a mystery to it. i seem open, seem trusting... and then, out of the blue, i let you see that you are no where close to me.. no where close to who i am. what you knew, what you know, is what i let you... what i show you... the mask that i put on for the world.

one might ask why, why i would even bother, why i am just not real... raw. in doing so, you ask the perfect question, but one that i can never... ever, give an answer to. i can say that i am fragile. i can say that i am scared. both of which, emphasize the fact that i need protection... need that extra little layer. maybe, that is the answer. i do not know.

i have been introspecting a lot as of recently, trying to figure out why i do things, what i want, and where i want to be. i have been thinking and i have been sitting in silence, not thinking at all. i may have learned something... something about myself... something about who i am or why i am who i am. if it was a result of my looking, my attempts at finding, then so be it... if it wasn't, then so be it. regardless of how, i am happy at the result.

throughout my life, i have felt compelled to express my talents, my triumphs, my accomplishments. i have always felt the need to show others how great i am... how special i am... how smart i am. i never knew why, i never really understood. now though, i do... and through that understanding, i know that there was never anything to prove... i am already everything that i wanted everyone to think that i was... i am me.

i have always struggled to better myself, to make myself happy, to be all i can be. that battle, is one that everyone fights at some point... if not at every point. this moment, is no exception. i have known for a long time that there is no reason for me to try to prove myself, no need for it. nevertheless, i still tried... every day, every minute. it was stupid, but for some reason... i didn't feel right if i stopped. i couldn't understand why i felt incomplete if i didn't "brag". now, i do... i understand that i was unhappy with myself, that i was insecure with myself.. no matter how much confidence i might have projected.

i can't say that it has changed, but i can say that it is understood.. and that understanding in itself, may be enough for me to let go... to stop the spiral that started so long ago. this, is all that i can hope.

just knowing, feeling, that i am content with my life... is supporting. sure, there are things that i would like to be different. i would like to be in a relationship, i would like to get a little better grades, i would like to get paid a little more, i would like to have a little more initiative. regardless though, i know that all that will come with time... and time is something that i have plenty of.

before, i felt that i had to rush, had to have it all now... all at once. now, i see that i don't. the single moment, the single point of fulfillment... is enough to last forever, and forever is the time that i am willing to wait.

now, i don't want you to think that the movie i watched tonight sparked this all. that is not the full truth, but it is partially true. after i finished watching the movie, i dat down... and began typing. this is what i produced... this is what i wrote... this is what i thought. it was not the reason, more so it was the catalyst.

with that... i depart. taking a step back, and looking around. with a smile, with content...