i feel myself hurting as i think about the past... as i think about what it is that i have went through... what it is that i have seen. i see the faults that i have... the hangups... the things that hold me back from committing to someone. i see them and i know that they are there... but it is so hard to change... so hard to do something about it.

i have been doing a lot of soul searching. looking inside for hints as to what it is that is bothering me. i am trying to figure out what it is that i want. the more and more i try to figure it out... the more i realize that i am scared to get close, to let someone in. i also realized that i am a very picky person about what i like and what i don't. i guess i am scared that i will let someone be close to me... and that they won't like what they see. i am also scared that i will see something that i don't like... or that i will see something in someone else that i like better. i am "hard to satisfy" as some might say.

the more that i look at what it is that makes me happy... what it is that i look for in girls... i see that i am looking for someone that may not ever exist. i am looking for the perfect person for me. my standards are high... but are they too high? am i supposed to "settle" for something or someone that doesn't meet those standards? no. it is not about that at all. my standards are high for a reason... i don't really want someone to meet them. i am scared of someone meeting them... scared of someone getting close to me.

i'm not scared anymore. i am willing to let someone in. in the process though, i have to reserve myself a little... i have to let things develop and let both of us get comfortable with each other. i have to have more patience with my feelings... and with others.

i am willing to try... willing to be there... willing to try to do things right. i am ready to try... to actually let myself care. i'm not scared anymore.